It is said that marriages are made in heaven. And yet, they are never perfect, and neither are the people in them.
I have had my own set of challenges in my marriage, and as time goes by, those challenges no longer seem to be as gigantic as they once were. Again, there are no surprises here. Right when I had given up all my hopes, Gurudev’s grace saved my failing marriage and also saved me from my marriage. However, it did not happen overnight.
I had to learn many things and UNLEARN a lot more.
Right from our very birth, we begin our learning process. A lot of things are taught to us consciously. Yet, most of our learning happens unconsciously in the course of our lives, and as I understand, a lot of it is also carried from our previous lives. It becomes especially problematic when some of the learning we gather manifest into unhealthy behavior patterns.
After knowing Gurudev, I understood many unhealthy patterns deeply entrenched in me, which I needed to let go of. Most of the issues I faced in my marriage were entirely new to me. In a way, marriage had opened up a Pandora box of issues that lay dormant until then.
When I reflect upon the early days of my marriage, I recall that I entered my marriage with a set of fixed ideas. I had beliefs and opinion about every little thing. “This is how marriages are supposed to be." “This is how spouses are supposed to act." "This is how a spouse is supposed to take care of you." and so on.
Naturally, my unrealistic expectations and false beliefs created havoc in my married life.
Back then, one such belief I held on to was that in marriage, one should share everything with their spouse. There is no space for secrets between partners; every thought must be shared. As a result, I used to share every little thought that crossed my mind with my husband, even the unpleasant ones. In return, I would expect him to share everything with me. My husband is not the best conversationalist, and self-expression does not come naturally to him.
Needless to say, his lack of expression greatly frustrated me, and I took it as a sign of a lack of interest in me.
Whenever I would go to Gurudev with any complaint stemming from this belief, he would ask - “Where did you read all this? Who told you this? Who put these stupid ideas in your head?” Gurudev’s displeasure would become very evident even on a phone call.
In a futile attempt to convince him, I would plead, “Gurudev, it seems he doesn’t know anything about me. How will we fully know each other if I don't tell him everything about me? And if we don’t even know our real selves, will our love even be real?”.
He would counter me-
“You expect him to know you, but tell me, do you even know your own self?”
I had no answer to his question. He would say, “Meera, do you even remember what attracted your husband to you before marriage? It was a simple fact that there was an element of mystery. That very mystery kept the spark in your relationship alive. Once you start to tell everything and demand to know everything, eventually, nothing is left to know. you will end up killing your relationships with your own hands.”
In my first conversation with Gurudev, he said,
“Meera, you are so talented. Why are you so wrapped up in your husband? Why does your life revolve around just him? Is your marriage the only thing left in your life now?”
His questions shook me to the core. At first, I didn’t completely understand the words piercing into my soul, but I knew I needed to make serious changes in how I had functioned for so long.
During our conversations, Gurudev would encourage me to see how my individuality and sense of self had slowly gotten lost in my partner. I recall I was so engrossed in my husband that I couldn't bear the idea of going a weekend without him! I would willingly give up the opportunity of visiting my mother or friends so that I could spend more time with him.
In hindsight, it feels ridiculous and sad, but it was all real.
Gurudev made me realize how I needed to create a space for my own and allow the same to my husband to let our relationship blossom. Without noticing, Gurudev slowly geared me toward doing my activities and finding new hobbies. I began to go for morning walks. I took up my studies again. I started engaging myself in old hobbies like painting and also found new hobbies like gardening.
As I spent more and more time alone, I became more assured of myself. Slowly, I rediscovered the sense of self that I had lost. I realized that the more I withdrew into myself, the more my husband came seeking me out. As I began to do my things, I also had new things to share with him as well. Almost a year after my marriage, I traveled to a different city alone. Gurudev cheered me for my seemingly small yet great victory.
This journey wasn’t smooth sailing, and I often faced situations where I almost gave up. When I was taken over by negativity, Gurudev would point it out to me-
“One can only see the greatness in others when they are themselves in a good place. When you are in a negative space, you will fail to see anything good in anyone. So, this has nothing to do with them. It all lies within you.”
Sometimes when I was too critical of my husband, in a not-so-affectionate fashion, Gurudev would say,
“How do you expect to be loved by anyone when you go on pointing out their flaws?”
With each blow that Gurudev relentlessly dealt me, I shed the thought pattern that had kept me hostage and constrained for so long.
Being a romantic at heart, I believed love was one sure cure for everything. I thought being loved would fix my crippling anxieties and insecurities and give meaning to my life. Gurudev helped me understand that nobody is responsible for our issues and behaviors. Nobody will heal us unless we do. He explained,
"In any relationship, we should simplify life for the other person and not further complicate it by burdening them with our expectations."
Gradually, I learnt that love is not something to be demanded or a thing to be attained. True love is to give. The love grows manifold and is received by the giver only by giving without expectation.
As I reflect upon my journey and pen down a part of it, seeing how far I have come, my head bows with gratitude towards Gurudev. I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest that I have found the holy grail, and now all my marital problems have been fixed.
My husband and I still fight every so often, but we make up soon after, only to rise in love. Every time.
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